


Vicious Cycle

by cadkitten



Category: Dir en grey
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, M/M, Mildly Dubious Consent, Multi, Threesome, Threesome - M/M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-12-07
Updated: 2010-12-07
Packaged: 2017-12-05 12:50:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,070
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/723498
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cadkitten/pseuds/cadkitten
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In a way, it's purely ridiculous and in another it's just predictable and sort of heart-warming. Repetition is like that isn't it? Sometimes unable to be understood and sometimes so full of meaning that nothing else could ever top it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Vicious Cycle

**Author's Note:**

> For [](http://kyoxkaoruxdie.livejournal.com/profile)[**kyoxkaoruxdie**](http://kyoxkaoruxdie.livejournal.com/) Advent Calendar, with something Winter related.  
>  Beta Readers: [](http://lumineaux-xx.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://lumineaux-xx.livejournal.com/)**lumineaux_xx**  
>  Songs: "Heart-Shaped Box" by Nirvana

I've been sitting here for hours, my hand resting on this once-cold windowpane. In the background Nirvana plays and I can hear Die humming the lyrics under his breath. There's eggnog and peppermint on the air and beneath the scent of the holiday Die insists we all celebrate, I can smell the usual scents of this room. There's Die's cologne, beer, and the sickly smell of long since burnt tobacco. But no matter how much it sort of turns my stomach, I know well that it's a scent I'd call home anytime, anywhere, and any day.

A slow smile lifts my lips and I run my hand down the glass to a colder part, letting the freezing feeling numb my fingertips. People are rushing by across the street, a few stories down, and I can't stop myself from thinking that they are like ants on their way back along a trail the others have set out for them. In a way, it's purely ridiculous and in another it's just predictable and sort of heart-warming. Repetition is like that isn't it? Sometimes unable to be understood and sometimes so full of meaning that nothing else could ever top it.

Maybe that's how it is with Die, Kaoru, and I. It's an endless repetition of the same exact things. For years we've gone through it all together, allowing ourselves to walk the very same paths, all the while knowing it will just end in another cycle of what we both dread and love. It always starts with Die and Kaoru giving in to one another. Their longing isn't something anyone could ever come between and I think by now they both accept it and move forward with it without so much as a backward glance. After a while it'll move to where Die and I can't deny our sexual hunger for one another. When the longing glances and the desperation to feel each other becomes too much, he'll come to me - always drunk - and beg me to take him as hard as I can. And I always give in, no matter how much I loathe that I know I'm forcing myself in between Kaoru and him.

Eventually it'll come to pass that those drunken late-night sessions are found out by Kaoru. He'll walk in on us or one of us will break down and confess it all to him. The first time I got punched in the mouth and I deserved the hell out of it. But now he just sort of shrugs it off and lets it happen. It's like he knows it will no matter what he does and he hates getting in fights with either of us. Somewhere along the line it will end up with me and Kaoru in a darkened room, fucking our aggressions out in the most vicious way possible. It's always something neither of us really want sexually, but both of us feel we have to do in order to keep things in balance. I suppose it's our way of fighting without actually screaming at each other or throwing punches, though I think we both walk out from those sessions worse than if we'd just had a knock-down-drag-out fight.

Those sessions become more and more frequent until I eventually get fed up with it and slam the door in Die's face the next time he comes around. It breaks my heart when it happens - because somewhere deep down, I do love him. It's why I give in and why it takes me so long to let go again. Eventually Die and Kaoru will end up breaking up, feeling it better for 'the band' if they do and then it's months and months with all of us in the worst moods possible.

But it's been the same way ever since I can remember. Right now we're at the point where Die and Kaoru are together and I'm not involved in any of it, nor have I been for almost two years. Honestly, I think he's finally gotten to the point where he's trying to make a decision and he's chosen Kaoru. In a way, it hurts me. But in another way, I'm okay with it. I know it's what he needs and it makes him happy, so I can't argue with it too much. It hurts me... but when you love someone as much as I love him, you would sacrifice the world for their happiness.

Christmas music starts blasting from the stereo, yanking me violently from my revere and I can't help but turn my head and glare at Kaoru a.k.a. the one who turned it up. He laughs and then holds out a beer. I stare at the thing like it's some kind of three-headed monster. Then again, for me, it may as well be. And yet, my hand wraps around the cold green glass and I bring it close to my body, giving a nod of thanks before turning back to the window. It's a bad idea... a terrible one, in fact. Alcohol makes me a horny little bastard. But right now, I'm wallowing and I know that. It's sort of pathetic of me not to be involved in the festivities. And so, against my better judgment, I lift the bottle to my lips and take a swig of it.

Kaoru pats me on the back and then wanders off, going to help Die string red garland around the front door. Sometimes I think he takes this holiday too damn seriously, but I'd never tell him that. After all, he always starts on the first of December and then continues on until his birthday when he's finally done. It takes him until the New Year to get everything all taken down and somehow that always cracks me up.

Getting up from my seat by the window, I go get the gold garland and one of the staple guns, going back to the window and starting to put the damn shiny stuff up around it. By the time I'm done, I have little flecks of gold all over my shirt and my hair. I dust off as best I can and then grab my beer, going to flop on the couch.

Die dances by me, plopping a red bow in my hair and giving me a playful kiss to the forehead. "My my, you make an adorable present!"

I roll my eyes and take another swig from my beer, hating the taste the entire way down. It's not my thing, but it's what he has and what I was offered. Sighing, I just watch him go off to the kitchen and come back out with those damn white twinkle lights he loves to string around the living room so much. I inform him I'm not climbing on any ladders this year and he pawns the job off on Kaoru, saying he'll hold the ladder. Kaoru doesn't complain and Die wanders off to get the stupid thing.

It's hours before Die's happy with the job for the night. Somehow, I get wrestled around by Kaoru, who insists on sitting between me and the armrest of the couch and Die plops down on the other side. I give them both a sort of disgruntled look before I take my own revenge on the situation and lean back on Kaoru, using him as a pillow. Next I shove my feet in Die's lap and wriggle around until I'm nice and comfy again. If they're gonna wreck my sitting position like two teenage idiots, then I'll behave like a bratty child and do as I damn well please.

Die just chuckles and Kaoru doesn't say a word. I stop squirming and settle down, watching the flames in Die's fireplace since there's not really anything else to watch, all of us too lazy to turn the TV on. Several minutes pass before I feel Die shift around, his hands keeping my legs in one place, my feet pretty much in his crotch. His hips push up just enough to brush the warmth of his hardened length against my ankle. My hand pauses with the damn beer halfway to my lips and my gaze falls on first my feet and the obvious erection he's sporting in his track pants, and then up to his face. He gives me a sort of sheepish look and for the first time, I actually feel more annoyed than anything else. Normally I would have been thrilled and jumped all over the opportunity. But not tonight.

I pull my feet back, crossing my legs and keep right on leaning on Kaoru, though now I'm glowering at Die over the rim of my beer bottle as I take a long, slow drink. I'm horny, but I'm not fucking stupid. And chancing something with Kaoru in the same damn house, much less the same room is just plain idiotic.

It doesn't take long before Kaoru speaks up behind me, the rumble of his voice against my back. "We've talked about it this time, Kyo. He admitted he craves how you fuck him and how it's different from me." He shrugs a little. "I think I can deal with it better if I'm involved and maybe it won't dick things up this time."

I wince a little and take the last drink of my beer, putting the bottle aside, realizing now it was more than likely an intentional offer. Neither of them are stupid, but apparently tonight I am the fool. "So you've decided this all on your own?" I bite out at them both, glowering hard at Die and then leaning back a little to give the same look to Kaoru. Both shrug and I just sigh, shaking my head. "I'm tired of this game." I stand up and give them both a clear look. "Maybe you're both okay with toying with me. But I'm not just some sexual object. I have feelings and funny how it's always my feelings that are neglected in this."

Die at least has the grace to look ashamed. Kaoru, on the other hand, looks calm and collected, like I didn't just pretty much tell him I love his precious boyfriend. "I know neither of you have feelings for me beyond that of friend, but dicking around all the time just isn't what I want anymore." My voice falls and stare at the ground for a moment before murmuring, "I want something more substantial." I'm thirty six and I think I fucking deserve it at this point in my life. Not that I have it, but it's just one of those things, I suppose. You always want what you can't have.

Kaoru lets out a sigh and then shrugs. "Suit yourself then. I think you just wanted what you couldn't have."

It takes every ounce of strength in me to not slap those words right back into his mouth. "Think what you want," I spit out at him before I point one finger at Die, my eyes burning. "You... in case it's not been clear for the past decade or so, I'm in love with you. I have been this whole time. I'm tired of being your sexual outlet because the man you happen to love can't get you off the way I do." Yeah, it's a biting comment meant to hurt Kaoru, but it's also very harshly the truth of the entire matter. "Figure out how to fix that part of your relationship so you're both happy. And keep me the fuck out of it from now on."

I glower at them both for a while longer before I turn right around and march myself to the foyer, yanking on my shoes and coat and slamming out the front door. It isn't but a minute and I'm outside, storming along the sidewalk back toward my apartment, a ball of anger in a huge black coat, my breath frosting on the air in front of me. For once I've done the right thing, the thing I should have done all along. So why is it that I feel like the snake that bit off his own tail in spite?

One foot steps in front of the other, an endless path toward my safe haven. And even as I go... I know this is possibly the worst holiday season yet.

Maybe... maybe next year I will get my wish.

**The End**

**Author's Note:**

> Wow... damn... sorry so angsty. >.> Totally not how I meant that to go.


End file.
